Past selves

It is a calm, sunny Saturday afternoon, which is usual for our new neighbors who prefer to pass by. And to exaggerate the level of silence, the only breathing creatures with me right now at home are the dogs—and the speaker, if it counts, blasting Evermore while I write this.

I took a break from writing my passion book for no other reason than fearing I repeatedly wrote about broken romances, people’s words, and shared dreams. I thought I had everything about my being twenty written so far. But this book does not feel complete yet. I have been talking about life from lenses directed outwardly. I forgot, or delayed, examining what I am becoming or the transformation inside me that not the people currently with me know, except my family.

I have been evolving dramatically over the years since graduating from college. And while this is scary, I assume this is what every fresh college graduate has to confront.

My youngest sibling, Via, is graduating from college in June. Earlier, we talked briefly about how time seems to run fast often when we forget to care about the timeline because we enjoy the company of people whose hearts beat in sync with ours.

Our talk during breakfast led to my sister talking about how she will surely miss this phase of her life, this version of herself that is the student with courses to follow through and friends to share the dreads of deadlines and the sweet triumphs.

College, or schooling in general, taught me that acing life can be as easy as studying your classroom lessons because the exams will revolve around them. But then came the initiation into the real world—the graduation day. Then your world will immensely expand. You will not know where to position because there is not one syllabus to guide you through.

Not a walkthrough on landing your first job; or securing government IDs, savings accounts, or insurance. The advice comes in bits because even the people before you are occupied with the harsh life to even write about what they did that you should do and what you should not that they did.

And this time, you carve your own, which is no secret to some, but learned later as necessitated by the circumstance for most. The same is the reason why we evolve and suit a new personality.

For me, the transformation took after quitting my first job and contemplating what I should be doing in life while waiting for the next opportunity. It also took stepping back from social media and pursuing solitary activities for four months. I was reading and writing while also disconnecting more from conventional practices. I was becoming a new person, one that I befriended without a doubt.

I learned that I want to pursue development work and should also enroll in a master’s degree program aligned with my doctrines.

My past selves realized late that I would become anew after I was the surest of my principles at 18 years old. But I believe, somehow, they aren’t clueless. They are pieces to my becoming.

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Drafted May 2023