Made it to December

I consider 2024 my most transformative year. I transitioned to a new job in January, overcame a skin infection in February, and confronted a broken romance between June and July. The first half of the year threw me off from an overly familiar yet problematic boat to master the waves independently. The latter part taught me about self-regulation and facing my responsibilities, work, and aspirations despite the despair.

Welcomed December 1st in Davao with a morning run around Azuela Cove

On the 27th of August, I talked about the face of pain in my pocket journal: “What does it mean to sit with the pain? It looks like examining the window for a sign of life as death lingers in my heart. It is going out with your sister and taking photos, which you recognize yourself faking a smile. This pain is unwelcome, but you let it in and share coffee with it while you betray it in your journal.”

Four months back, I believed that the more words I let out, the easier waking up the next day. I dedicated separate journals, including a sorcery-themed notebook, to write as the heavy thoughts revisited me at home, in the office, or on vacations. I consumed innumerable videos on YouTube about handling breakups, making sense of what happened, trauma bonds, and almost everything that the algorithm curated to capitalize on my pain.

They were helpful until the magic expired, and the same pain reappeared. Sooner, I learned I needed to face it or overlap it with new and worthwhile memories. I talked about the experience with my core people. I attend or initiate coffee dates to catch up with my friends. I also sought new experiences and habits, such as learning how to ride a motorcycle and engaging in paid speakerships. I kept myself busy in a good and developmental way.

Humans realize it late how much we lose of ourselves when we try to fit into someone’s world. The lesson is ripe for me now. The connection died because it was grounded in masked incompatibility. But the trade is I now know how to manage attachment styles, distinguish good and bad compromises, detect insecure inner child behind a deep, mature voice, and set boundaries.

We hear about self-love but never practice it in the best way. We often approach it as a remedy when in pain and wanting to bounce back. But it is a necessity, a deserved routine without conditions. I don’t skip my breakfast now and sleep as early as 10. I reaffirm my value in the mirror and take good care of my skin, making up for the years with harsh products and bare under the sun. I buy more books on self-help and career development. I run on the weekends. Remarkably, I am expanding my horizons again with visions outside my hometown.

Crazy how different 2024 turned out from what I imagined it would be. I saw a smooth ride and easy sleeps. But gut-wrenching morning blues filled my June, which only waned approaching December. I do not have the panacea for midlife crises, but I learned some ways that are now staples of my coping. I relied on patterns but also opened myself up to surprises. I did not doubt it was possible but experiencing healing now feels weird. Nevertheless, I made it to December. I feel better.