On self-love

A gloomy July from the sky down to my eyes. On the outside, I appear attuned, but inside, somewhere medicine and the latest technology could not reach, a familiar entity grips my sanity by the neck.

With my old friend back, I anticipate strong winds to help my breathing. I scan my surroundings and try to walk calmly, but merely register people and colors. I lag during meals and sleep. Even with the assurances, my second thoughts keep piling up, which is very unlikely of a writer who should trust words.

Some storms come by to rearrange our landscape and shake our perspective. I was not a believer in second chances. My younger self sees a wilted flower close to dying and leaves it on the kitchen sink for disposal. But this year, I learned to put a premium on connections. I fight for people I cannot let go of.

It has been a month since my heart was cut open. And while we had already stitched up the wreckage and aimed another shot to the calm skies in Kayapa, the heaviness seemed parallel. I still feel emotionally lost. If this was a task I failed at work, I would have left it at the gate by 5PM. But this involves the person I favorited—the same who promised me a piece of the moon only to be taken there to freeze alone.

I read on Twitter that a more mature lens sees problems as challenges and welcomes the lessons they bring behind the temporal pain. After giving away too much of myself while trying to own a piece of the world, I owe myself a redemption from people-pleasing and over-dependency. To befriend me is up next.

I have touched on self-love and somehow embedded it in my outputs over time. But this is the first time I have delved into the matter to admit it as something I have not mastered.

“Self-love is the foundation of our loving practice. Without it our other efforts to love fail. Giving ourselves love we provide our inner being with the opportunity to have the unconditional love we may have always longed to receive from someone else. ” ~ All About Love by Bell Hooks

If I used to treat self-love as a remedy when I felt undervalued, I regard it now as an essential skill to survive on my own. I watched a YouTube video about this, and it hit me when it said that self-love should have been introduced to us as early as childhood instead of seeking validation and people-pleasing from our parents and friends. It furthered that in our transition to young adulthood, nobody ever warned us about the harsh reality of life, not even our parents when their direct supervision wanes.

Self-love is easy to hear and, in turn, to dismiss because it has become a buzzword. But if you ponder on it, mastering it is a challenge, especially when all you ever prioritized in life is to be seen and appreciated by the world. Dig deeper into yourself to realize you have been neglecting that little kid inside who needs a warm hug. And this time not from others but from your very self.

In the name of prioritizing my needs, I read more and journal extra to sort my waves of emotions. I eat what I want and worry less about the calories. I also allow my mind to wander without the aid of music and social media by jogging over the weekend. These are far from addressing these internal issues, but a step is a start.

In mid-June, I started a separate journal dedicated to my thoughts in my quest for self-care. The notebook opens with a note I wrote that makes more sense day by day: you returned someone to the world to find you in the end. It is time I prioritize myself, for real.